How did it get this bad? How did my compulsion get the best of me. It makes me understand addiction so much better now. Alcohol, crack, meth, and credit. They are all up there. They all make you do things and say things that you wouldn't normally do. They all make you persuade other people that it's not so bad - maybe even a good idea to go to the store, buy that item, it's no big deal. We'll work out a plan to pay for it right? There's always tomorrow.
This was what I used to tell myself when we were just starting out. Only one child, working part time jobs, finishing school, living in an area where cost of living wasn't nearly as high as California. We'll make more later and we can take care of it then. Too bad they're right - the more you make, the more you owe. The reality is that may of the things we continue to pay for are long gone. It's of course impossible to track the little things, but there are plenty of larger purchases that are no longer with us. My first computer, a laptop, our washer and dryer.
I seem to have this love/hate realtionship with money. I've managed for too long to go through these cycles of not being in the financial position I want to be in - with the therapy for that being to go out and spend some more. Despite making more money than I could have ever imagined, we seem to have dug ourselves deeper and deeper into the hole of debt.
In many ways I think it was my way of rebelling against my father. He was the most "frugal" person I knew. Okay, okay - he was tight - to the extreme. He did however, make sure his family was taken care of, houses paid for, college paid for, food on the table. I never really wanted for anything. The problem was, my father - although he managed the finances, never taught me about finance. It was this great burden that he faced alone - never taking the time to communicate with my mother about them - much less to show me and have me appreciate the work and worry that went into making it all happen. I live that now - if it weren't for my background in finance acting as my conscience I don't know where we would be. My husband is blissfully unaware of the day to day - month to month and year to year concerns I have about our lives and the path that we're going down. I want to sleep like he sleeps - if I had dollar for all the sleepless nights....oh who am I kidding. I would have spent that too.
The best I can do is continue to acknowledge my problem - as I mature let go of those tendancies. Even more importantly I have to find a way to educate myself and my family before we pass the point of no return.
