So we just recently found out that we are expecting one more child – this will be #4. Never thought I would have 4 kids, but it that is what is what we are getting we should be so lucky to have a family of 6. What I wasn’t prepared for was how judgmental some people e can be. Working with a new group of people when I announced it at a business dinner one of the ladies excitedly asked me if it was my first. When I answered “No, 4th” she quietly said “Oh”. On our long weekend I decided it was time to get the boys out of the house and down to the pool. I happened to sit down with one of our neighbors and her husband to talk while the boys played. As we talked about what it will mean to have a 4th child – this woman says to me. “You know you are going to have to get rid of your dogs. You are going to have 4 kids and two have SPECIAL NEEDS.”
I was dumbfounded. Understanding that there is a story behind the dogs, we have two 10 year old boxers that were our babies before we had babies. At first I thought it was the dog comment that bothered me. I love my dogs, I may have to pay someone to walk them but they have always been there for us. It is hard to think about what it will be like when they are gone. I definitely have times that I think life would be easier without them but that isn’t what we signed up for when we got them.
Later that night I woke up and realized what really got to me about this statement – so bluntly telling me that two of my children have special needs. No, really? I completely missed the past 5 years of my life and being told that one, no wait both of my boys have autism. Going through classes, learning to navigate the Regional Center, how to have a successful IEP and get proper placement for my children. What was I thinking going to support groups, leading support groups, becoming a Board Member for PAUSE4kids, encouraging my husband to become a VCAS member? What were we thinking in being supportive of other parents and helping them to learn their options more quickly than we did all while working 2 and at some times 3 jobs. I can’t believe that it never occurred to me that I was just too busy to look up and think of all of these things – you mean to tell me my kids are different? Wow - I'm shocked.
How can you tell me how beautiful my daughter is and completely ignore my boys? The most painful part of this is the realization that people don’t see how beautiful and special these boys are. They are smart and intelligent and we have worked hard and blazed a trail that has been hard fought (with many more battles ahead) to get them where they are. Doesn’t she realize this could be her child and her battle?
Sadly, as painful as that one statement has been for me, it makes me realize people don’t understand what our lives are like, they may think they do, but they have no idea. I have learned to be very compartmentalized in my emotions. I have to be. There is work to be done, systems to design and setup, children to feed, classes to teach, a family to love. These are the people I stay involved in to educate and create awareness for. It isn’t for the parents or the special needs population – we already know all too well the reality of the situation.
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